Brahmacharya | Moderation

Updated: Oct 9, 2020





“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known” he whispers as he leans down and kisses me beneath each eye.  My head lands gently onto his chest and I exhale, “if only I could stay here forever.”

He says the things I don’t tell myself.  In this moment I actually feel beautiful.

Right now, I’m no longer the “freak” with a fake eye.  Right now, I’m no longer the “know it all” who desperately hides behind her grades.  Right now, I’m no longer Sarah...scared and hurt and searching…

My thirsty heart, parched for affection, clings to him and I rest in this uneasy closeness.  

He said these words early, just a week after we started dating, and he continues repeating them now, years later. He says these words, knowing that each time I will melt like the first.  He says these words so I forget what I know…

The lying.  

The cheating.  

The manipulation.  

The verbal put downs.  

The moments when he has poked fun at me to his friends...

My friends...

My family...

He says these words, feigning love, so that I forget myself.  And for a moment I do... 

I am lost.

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From Vedantic teachings and wisdom, we have the philosophy of two selfs.  One self is dependent on the outside world.  In the west, we call this part of our psyche the ego.  It is the part of us which is defined in comparison to outside factors.  

For example, I’ve got brown hair.  Now I've heard that “blondes have more fun”, so I could lighten my hair hoping that the happiness of my life would increase.  This is not a PSA about hair color.  This is just an example of equating appearance, which can be changed, with an internal experience.

Very, very, very simplified the ego/self is like that.  

And the ego/self is necessary.